Comforted
In my Heartlight.org post today, Comfort in the Season of Mourning, I shared thoughts on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4:
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
How have you experienced this principle, “we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God” in your life?
Were you on the receiving or sharing end of this comfort giving?
How did this bless your life?
Why do we feel that we must defend God when people who have suffered great loss?
In the book of Job, when Job’s life crashes in, sever “comforters” join him in the dust and sit in silence to share his grief. Then, after 7 days of mourning with him in silence, they open their mouths and their comfort turns into an unintended attack on Job because they feel like they have to explain why all this happened to Job.
Why do you think so many people say simplistic and unintended hurtful things to those in grief?
Why do we feel that we must defend God when people who have suffered great loss?
How is sitting and sharing people’s grief in silence better than opening our mouths?
What should we say to comfort people in their grief?
Why do we wait to DO something to help those in grief when we could go buy them groceries, wash their car, mow their lawn, baby sit their children?
If you have suffered deep loss, how did God comfort you and how did He use other people to bless you?
I think that people mistakenly say wrong/hurtful things in an attempt to comfort because no one has ever taught them how to grieve properly. As a society, we are not taught how to grieve loss. We are taught to ignore, overlook and get past loss, but not how to work through it. When we lose a first pet, for example, we are told (by parents who have not been taught properly either) “Don’t feel bad, we’ll get you a new pet”. When a first love breaks our heart we’re told things like “Don’t feel bad, someone else will come along or don’t feel bad, they weren’t good enough for you.” We are taught that grief and loss are something to be avoided. How can we have joy and happiness without sadness and grief? God created all of the emotions. I think the church as a whole really misses the boat on this subject. The last 5 years my son and I endured great sadness and loss when my husband was diagnosed as bipolar. He left us and in a moment our lives were turned upside down as we were forced to move to an area where we knew no one,we became financially ruined and just felt pain that we had never known as our family fell apart. My son became suicidal. Our Christian friends virtually abandoned us… Our problems were not curable overnight. I have found over and over again, that many Christians disappear when there is an ongoing need in families. They don’t know how to help so they turn away. It took years for us to pick up the pieces and put our lives back together. I became a certified grief counselor in 2007 and I see it over and over again with the people I work with. Their stories are so similar. I think we need to teach how to grieve and suffer loss in our churches and I think we need to be taught in tangible ways how to help others that our experincing grief in their lives. I have seen first hand how God walks with us in the dark tunnels of our lives. I have been a Christian for 44 years but had never felt that kind of pain before and had never been in a place where I could not feel God’s presence before. I knew He was there, but I could not feel Him through the extreme sadness.(It doesn’t mean someone is lacking faith if they have overwhelming sadness!!!) I couldn’t see the light, but I knew where it could be found. I just kept inching my way in that dark tunnel till I started seeing the glimmers of light piercing the darkness. Yes, you are right, that experience binds us to those that are hurting and God truly does use everything we go through for good. I have time and again seen him use every tragedy I have endured to minister to others experiencing the same things. I now have a ministry that has arisen solely because of the experience my son and I survived. God is good. What should we say to comfort others? Buy them a book on grief. Drop groceries or a meal or a card on their porch if they don’t feel like having visitors. If it’s a newly single mom or someone hurting financially, drop money in the mail, send movie tickets in the mail or something that they couldn’t afford to do. Do they need a repair or something taken care of, offer to do it or send someone to help. Offer to watch t.v. with the kids or take them out to Burger King just so the parent can get a few minutes alone time. Sometimes, you don’t need to do anything, you just need to express that you are willing. Sometimes people just want to know that someone is there for them if they are needed. Sometimes people just need to know that their sadness is something that will not drive others away. Sometimes we just need to tell people that God understands. Jesus was described as well acquainted with sorrow and grief. He took every sadness and pain we will ever have and bore it Himself. He does not cast us aside when we are hurting, he beckons us unto Himself so that He may comfort us. As His tangible arms here on earth, we are to react the same way. It is not always easy, but that is what we are called to do. We need to tell others that it is ok to be sad, it is ok to cry and no, nothing will ever be the same again, but God will be with them as they began life on a different path than the one they were on before. A wound that never heals will keep causing us pain. We have to clean out the wound for it to heal. To ignore the pain is to let the wound fester. We will always have the scars, we will never forget the pain, but once cleaned out and healed it won’t hurt anymore. We can and will survive the pain that doesn’t seem possible to live through…one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. With God’s grace and mercy we learn first hand how to endure and by doing so, gain the experience and knowledge to share with others.
Debbie
16 Feb 09 at 6:12 pm
I find comfort in these verses not because I am experiencing a death or loss of a loved one. I am a person that has Multiple Sclerosis (MS). I was able to continue working for 12 years after my diagnosis. Then I had to go on disability. Now getting around is getting more difficult. I’ve been a Christian for over 30 years and have never doubted God’s love an presence through my experiences with MS. I was starting to wonder how I could be of any service to God beyond praying in my current condition. These verses remind me that God can use me to comfort others with MS even more so now that I am feeling the disease’s effects more. I feel God’s blessings every day even if it’s more difficult to do things. I don’t believe God caused my MS, but I do believe He is using it to grow me and bless others.
Sharon
17 Feb 09 at 8:23 am
I was both on the receiving and sharing end of this kind of comfort; I have been on the receiving end during some very great distress and was then able to share what I had learned with others. Like Sharon, I don’t believe God gave me those trials; but He has used them to help me grow and then to strengthen others in the same situations.
I think we feel we have to defend God when people suffer great loss because the first thought in the mind of humankind is “Why didn’t God prevent this?” “Why did He let this happen?” We know He has great power; we know He hates evil – so why doesn’t He stop it? Just like Job we think because we are living a righteous life (or because “I haven’t done anything THAT bad”) God should prevent such things. A lot of it goes back to that old idea “God promises to bless the righteous.” While this is true, we forget He doesn’t bless us the way WE think it should be done. That would mean never any problems, never any hardship, never any pain. We forget He allowed Jesus to have all those things. We forget we are not EVER able to be good enough to deserve the good God gives to us. We forget it is His RIGHT to allow “the sun and the rain on the evil and the good.” After all, HE is GOD. But even when we realize this, our pain and suffering can blind us to it.
We all say stupid things when trying to comfort; there are many reasons. If we haven’t had that kind of pain, we do it from ignorance. If we have, sometimes we have forgotten going through it and only remember the end growth – the good part of suffering (as Paul points out).
Silence is always better when sharing grief (or maybe not silence but REAL listening, where we keep a person talking by agreeing or saying things to help them vent) because the real help during grief is to have that compassionate listening ear. That is what was so great about Jesus; He was a great listener. If we have experienced the same kind of grief it may help to tell how we got through it; especially if we can remember the really hard part.
I think doing something at times like this helps us feel like we are relating our caring feelings; it also helps us work out our own real feelings of empathy, the pain we feel for those we love.
My greatest loss was losing my father while his back was turned against God. It was worse than death. I have been trained well by teachers growing up not to look at the first death as final but a death with your back toward God is the second death; there is no hope. It was crushing and took 2 years to overcome. As I struggled I realized I had to get myself together for the sake of my husband and children.
When I asked for God’s help He made me realize that for some things on this earth there is no answer but this (Revelation 21:3-5):
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
That seems to be a comfort no matter how great the tragedy. In heaven there will be no more tears.
Linda Hoeck
17 Feb 09 at 3:40 pm
In 1990 my daughter, long in rebellion, but eager a few months before her death to tell me “No matter what, I still believe Jesus is my Savior” was murdered. I remember, upon receiving the news having only one scripture cross my mind…Though you slay me, yet will I trust You! Later, the 23rd Psalm took on whole new meaning. However, two things happened that lit the path through my grief. First, thanks to my family I met a whole group of people who had received similar phone calls at an organization called Family and Friends of victims of Violent Crime. Secondly, after crying out to God for a “path through my grief”. I went to work and a young man came into my office and asked to speak to me privately. He confirmed that I was Christian and spoke of having prayed for me that morning. He asked if I believed God could speak directly to human beings. I weakly replied that I sure hoped so. He then told me”Jan, your path through your grief begins by getting back into fellowship.” I have never doubted the origin of that encouragement. Sometimes the most kind thing we can do when someone is suffering in grief is to grieve with them. That can take many forms, tears, prayers, or a hug and a warm meal. Like my friend who prayed, ask God and move forward to reflect God’s love.
Jan W.
17 Feb 09 at 8:35 pm
WoW! All the above readings has really hit home for me .
I have been trying to help a friend who has lost her husband about 6 months ago.
I have invited her to different functions only for her to drop out as all she wants to do is get in the car to take a ride with her dog .
She does nothing in her home just wants to keep going out.
I am afraid I am a little inpatient with her as I would guess because I have losses in my life from baby on so had to learn in order to survide to trust in God and just keep going . I am totally alone now as far as my closet family love ones as God took them one by one up to almost 6 years ago.
I am very active in Church , Volunteer in Hospital, bible class along with water exercize , bible class.
I am alone a good amount of time in my home sometime thoughts do come as to why but I never blame God as in spite of all he has carried me through from baby hood until now in my 80!s He always seen that I had food, clothes or what ever I needed at what ever stage of life I was or am in. I am truly grateful.
So yes it is hard for me to be patient with my friend but I will keep in touch .I asked her the other day what else I could do for her her reply was nothing that I helped her the best I could but I have this feeling that maybe really I have not do enough and with Gods help I can help her more.
Pray that I can do a better job for her now with more patience and love in my heart.
Betty R Aikens
18 Feb 09 at 6:27 pm
please remove me from your mail lists, all of them
casey
19 Feb 09 at 11:22 pm